Sunshine.

February 8^th 2009.

That day was the end of life as I knew it. For 19 tender years I always had a mom and a dad to fall back on. They truly were there for me no matter what. Supported me and all my crazy ideas. They held me when I cried and celebrated every accomplishment, big and small.  My parents truly built me a wonderful foundation to grow on, it is something I will always cherish. They gave me every opportunity a child could ever dream of.

On February 8^th 2009,  my foundation was really shaken. down. to. the. core.

I had to say good-bye to part of that wonderful foundation, my Dad. I can honestly say that watching my Dad take his final breath of life was the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure, thus far.  But, far harder yet is moving on without him.

Sure, I am thankful he is pain-free. Basking in the glory of heaven. Up there chattin’ it up with Mimi, Wowo and Gar and all those that have gone before. No matter the comfort that brings, my heart still aches.

I still miss him.

One profound thing that I remember from an otherwise blurry day was when my grandpa “Poppy” gave me a hug right as he saw me standing in the hallway crying. It was a strong, manly hug. The type my Dad was famous for and the ones I truly long for. He told me something that sounds so simple, but yet is so deep, “The sun will still shine tomorrow, don’t ever forget that.”

And you know what? It’s so, so, so true.

Just as the sun sets every night it will always raise the next.

Just because my dad is gone, life still goes on. At first, that was a difficult idea to swallow. As the days turned into weeks, months and now a year the grief has reduced in intensity. The sadness ebbs and flows and as it does I always remember that. No matter what, the sun will shine tomorrow. It doesn’t matter how sad I am, no matter how angry I may be that he was taken before “my time”…

The sun will always shine…

My dad was a constant in my life. Just as the sun is. I could always count on his presence. He was always there. Always cheering me on and cheering me up. I couldn’t  have imagined my life without him. But now that I have been forced to move on without him I am ever more thankful for the memories we had made.

Memories that will always be here, just like the sun; no matter what, they’ll still shine tomorrow. 

Christmas with Jesus

This Christmas is a bit more difficult than others. This is the first Christmas without my Dad. Believe me, I know he is in a better place. I am thankful for that. I am thankful he is painless. I know he is here in spirit, believe me, I feel him often. I know he will always be watching from above and constantly looking out for my family and I. It doesn’t negate the difficulty in not having him here with us in person. It’s just different.

My mom actually put this poem in our stockings last year. We were celebrating Christmas without my Mimi for the first time. In no way did I imagine this year this poem would give me comfort in the loss of my Dad. I hope this poem will give someone else going through the same feeling of loss during this holiday season, as it did for my family and I.

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs,
I still see the lights

I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares

I’ll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, You still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace

I came here before you to help set your place

You don’t have to be perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip, If you continue the climb

To my family and friends,

Please be thankful today

I’m still close beside you,

In a new special way

I love you all dearly,

Now don’t shed a tear

Cause I’m spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year.

-John Wm. Mooney, Jr,

This Christmas is different, and that’s okay. Life changes and evolves. I am so grateful for all of the Christmases that I was able to spend with my Dad. I will take comfort in the fact that he is spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

Merry Christmas All! Cherish all of your time with your family and loved ones! 

Happy Birthday Jesus!

I'm Free.

Today I was feeling a little blue. Just, one of those missing-those-I’ve-lost-in-the-past-year days. I was blah. Some days I just wake up feeling that way. No rhyme, no reason.

Maybe it’s one of those “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” deals? I’m not too sure.

But I do now know what to do when I get into these funks. My counselor and I have discussed these type of days over and over. We’ve decided my best choice on these days is to let myself feel the feelings. Really set aside time to

Feel it.

And that’s just what I do. Its part of the way I am grieving.  Then, when I feel I’m done for the day, I package it up into a box, and put it away in my mind…and go about my day as normally as possible. (the whole box deal is another story, for another post)

Lets just say…it so works. It gives me time to grieve yet it doesn’t allow the grieving to consume my life. That’s the balance I have been trying to strike. It’s a day-to-day struggle but I’m working on it.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t go on every single day. But when it does this is how I have learned to deal with it and deal with it I have.

But today was a bit different. On this particular day I was in the shower going about my morning routine and all of a sudden mom bursted into the bathroom and said “Mimi wanted me to find this, I needed to read this!” she proceeded to read:

I’m Free

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free,

I’m following the path God laid for me.
I  took God’s hand when I heard the call;

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.

Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life’s been full, I’ve savored much,

Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief;

Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.

Life up your heart and share with me-

God wanted me now, God set me free.  ((by: Shannon Lee Mosele))

I think the being was a bit higher than Mimi (no offense or anything). I believe God set that poem in her path so that she could then set it in my path because it just so happened to be exactly what I needed…

to be set free.

730.

It has been 730 days since my dad’s cancer diagnosis.

This time of the year brings with it a lot of emotions. I am utterly amazed how much my life has changed in the last 730 days. It doesn’t seem like much but my life has unfolded in a way that I so never-in-a-million years would have expected. Yet, I am thankful for these past 730 days. I have been down the darkest paths of my life, I have faced the deepest valleys. I have cried myself to sleep many of times. I have wanted to wake up and find that what I was living was all a dream. My dad really was sick, he really was fighting the battle of his life and he really lose his battle to that terrible “C” word. Unfortunately, life is not like that. You can’t run out when the going gets tough.

I have grown closer to my family, friends but more importantly God. I know God has carried me through the darkest moments such as when I was standing there holding my dads hand knowing that things couldn’t get much worse and that it would probably be the last time I would ever see my dad alive and breathing. I remember that instance as clear as day. It stings to even think about that day or those moments. There is so much more I would have loved to tell my dad. There was so much more of my life I wish I could have shared with my dad.

God had other plans. I must accept these plans and never forget but learn to move on. I credit my friends and my family for lifting my spirits when I have been down. They have been that shoulder to cry on. They have listened to me when, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have listened to myself. These 730 days have definitely shown me who cares about me. I am thankful for that and for all of them. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I could not have made it through this past two years without each and every one of them.

Many days I can only take a moment at a time. I have learned that is okay. Other days come and go with only a few (if any) deep, harsh memories of the past. Again, I have learned; that’s okay. Some days my mom and I hug and cry for no reason other than we both miss dad. Both of our lives are a little bit dimmer now that he isn’t around. And, that’s okay.

I have learned all that I am feeling in these past 730 days is okay. Life does go on. The sun does rise the next day no matter what happened the night before. It may be difficult but in the end everything is okay.

Missing him...

This crazy class and work schedule has me a day late with this one. But yesterday did not go without lots of memories, tears and thinking...

It seems quite unreal to me that an entire 365 days have passed since I got that call while going over the George Washington bridge in NYC heading down to Georgia. I will never forget the complete and total shock I was in. Flying out to Utah to be with Gar’s family was the most important choice I made. It allowed me to be close to Gar, it allowed me a feeling of peace and it allowed me to be close to his amazing family. For the first time I knew he was at peace. A lot has changed in my life since then. It has been a whirlwind of a year. I have so many great memories of Gar. I could write a novel. His mannerisms and little quirks made me love him that much more. He left a gaping hole in my heart that no one will able to be able to fill, nor do I want anyone to. Yesterday, more than most days, I thought a lot about those memories. Of course, I allowed myself time to grieve but I wanted to focus more on the positives rather than the negative feelings. We shared so much together and for that I am extremely lucky. Gar, as he did for many people, taught me a ton. He taught me to love unconditionally, he taught me to be strong, he taught me to be myself, he taught me the feeling of true love. Gar touched my life in a way I can’t quite explain. I know he is up there smiling down on all of us, I know he loves us all and I feel that love every single day. I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend with Gar, the memories we were able to make and the love we got to share. He truly changed my life and because of him I will never ever be the same. I love you Gar!

Memories...

Six months ago I lost my best friend. I still struggle with accepting this daily. I miss him more and more as the days go on. The holidays have been especially difficult, luckily they are almost over. I still wish I could have one last gar bear hug, one last talk, one last kiss. But since that is impossible I have all of our amazing memories to hang on to. So, for the six month anniversary (Jan. 2nd) I decided to share sixty of my favorite memories of Gar and of Us (in no particular order):

1) Our first date on the Niantic boardwalk.
2) Our trip to Boston with my mom, Cathy, and Kayt. And how he even went to body worlds with me.
3) Our first kiss at Pleasure beach on the second part of our first date... :)
4) How he loveeeeed the mango ice cream bomb I made.
5) He loved the color red (i think it had something to do with his hair)
6) The time we made homemade french fries because he wanted to make them like his dad.
7) Our trip out to SLC.
8) Going to Park City to ride the alpine slide and the zip line.
9) When we spent a night in vegas, how he somehow convinced me to go on ALL THREE of the crazy rides on top of the Stratasphere.
10) Watching the 2008 Superbowl together.
11) Christmas 2007. And how he insisted we have matching Boston Red Sox hats.
12) How excited he was to give me my ring and his surprise (the matching earrings).
13) Also the TONS of other little things he tried (unsucessfully) to stuff in my stocking :) There was just too much!
14) The fact that he was so excited to be able to buy gifts for everyone that year.
15) The wii. He wouldn't even wait for christmas for that gift!
16) How amazing he was at Tennis on the wii, and how he'd always kick my butt!
17) as well as in guitar hero.
18) How happy he was to be able to play his brother in guitar hero, the time difference was perfect because Gar was up so late anyways.
19) His love for Mountain Dew.
20) and CANDY! especially pixie sticks, orange sticks, and the willy wonka mix.
21) How happy he would be when I (or my mom) would make munester chicken.
22) Our walks at Harkness Park.
23) The camping trip we took to New Hampshire.
24) And...on that trip...when i thought we'd never have a fire on that COLD night because it began raining. But, he somehow managed to start one!
25) Our Troy's dates. He would always get the western burger with a side of onion rings and I would get a turkey sandwich with a side of fries.
26) The big, huge bags of bagels and bake goods he would bring to my house when he'd visit after working at Panera.
27) His excitement when he would find a great deal at Best Buy using his discount.
28) How beastly he was to wake up in the morning when he had to be at work at 5 or 6 am for the holiday season at Best Buy.
29) How cute he looked when he would wear a long sleeve shirt under his polos, he loved that.
30) The fact that he would rarely wear his winter coat, instead opting for the zip-up hoodie his Grandma Childs gave to him.
31) The night he took me to Olive Garden...and he left in the middle of dinner and came back to give me my ring with a rose. It was so meaningful.
32) Swimming in the pool at John's father's condo.
33) Our MANY good talks we had at the boardwalk.
34) When I had to save him at 2am because he had a flat and I had AAA. We sat in the New London Library and talked, and talked, and talked.
35) His dream of owning an Audi someday.
36) His dream of having 3 children. Because he loved having a brother and a sister.
37) The incredible amount of love he had for his nieces (and now nephew). He told me on our first date that he would do absolutely anything for his niece. That was something we surely had in common.
38) How happy he was to hang christmas lights in his bedroom.
39) His rubiks cube collection and how incredibly proud he was of it.
40) When he was so excited because we painted and hung all the shelves in his room for his collection.
41) When we painted his room. I ended up hating the color, so I grabbed a random color from our garage and started ragging it on. He said it would never compare to the amazing paint jobs his dad did in their house. And, it sure doesn't!
42) He could figure out any little game or gadget out there.
43) He loved sudko
44) mangos
45) video games
46) And a wide variety of music.
47) He introduced me to Ska music.
48) He was my rock when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer and spent alot of time in the hospital. I have no clue how I would have gotten through it without him.
49) Hiking at Zions.
50) He loved animals, especially cats. And they all loved him!
51) His strong faith, it was always there with him.
52) When we messed up the first 3 layers of the jello dessert for Christmas. And how upset it made him because it didn't look like it did back at home :)
53) How happy it made him to make the "out of this world biscuits" for Thanksgiving dinner, along with his dad's gravy. yum!
54) When we took Chloe to the aquarium. Also when we took her to the holiday lights festival in Mystic.
55) He wanted footsie pajama's SO badly.
56) His red hair. and his glow brows :)
57) And as much as i wasn't a fan of his tatoos, i still miss seeing them, especially his rubiks tattoo. They were definitelyn "Gar". :)
58) When we walked around the casino until 2 AM waiting for his friend Kenny to show up. haha!
59) He loved, loved, loved 24 and wimbledon tennis.
60) Above all I remember his warm heart and his kind soul. He will forever have a piece of my heart, and for that I am lucky.

There are so many, many, many more wonderful memories I have. I could probably fill up an entire book. But for now i'll just leave you with 60 of my most favorite. I'd love it if you would leave comments with your most favorite memories of Gar. I know he is still with us. I know he takes care of us all from above. But that doesn't take away the aching I feel when I think about him not being here to talk to. I definitely look forward to the day when I will meet up with him again.

Until then we have all of our memories...

Happy Birthday Gar

One year ago...

On his birthday last year Gar wanted a Rubiks Cube cake. So I tried my hardest to replicate the Rubiks Cube :)

Last Halloween Gar and I carved pumpkins together...it was a lot of fun! :)

This was taken in New Hampshire last October. It is definately a typical Gar picture :) Oh how i miss his funny antics!

Well today would have been gar's 23rd birthday. Today many, many memories flood back of great times we shared together. He loved this time of year. He loved Halloween and always thought he was lucky to have Halloween and his birthday so close together. He had told me last year, that this year for halloween, he wanted to find a big box and paint it like a Rubiks cube...if that doesn't sound like Gar then I don't know what does! :) It was also about this time last year that he, Sara and I all went camping in New Hampshire. What a fun time we had. He loved camping and the fall foliage was amazing. Even though we were iceicles when we woke up, I guess camping in october in New Hampshire wasn't the warmest idea! Another great memory was when gar insisted that we carved pumpkins around Halloween time last year. It was alot of fun, even though Gar's looked 10X better than mine! haha!

It is comforting to know that Gar is happy now, afterall that is all I ever wanted for him. He had a wonderful heart. I was lucky to have known gar, lucky to have felt his love, lucky to have spent many fun times together. I will never forget him and all he taught and gave me. Today on his birthday I remember him just as much as any other day. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about him and miss his smile, his laugh, his jokes and hearing about his dreams. Such dreams as driving an Audi, going into space, having a family of his own. I will always hold Gar deep in my heart, on his birthday, and every other day of the year. I love you Gar!

Happy Birthday!!!

Dear past two months,

Gar and I on a fun snow day :)-- Gar attempted to teach me to drive "better" in the snow (er...ice)


Christmas Day 2007-- Gar insisted that my mom get us matching Boston Red Sox hats :)

These past two months have been extremely difficult. At times I sat in disbelief wondering if he was really gone, wondering if I would really not be able to talk to him again. But reality has its harsh bite and I remember, it's true. Two months ago today my best friend went to a better place. The time since he past hasn't been easy. Sure, I take comfort in the small feelings of his presence. I have had dreams with him in them, I have visited my Mimi and felt him there. But it does not take away the broken heart I am learning to mend. This was the first time in my life I have had a legitimate "broken heart." My mom says she felt the same way when Mimi passed. There is no other way to explain it other than you feel like your heart has been shattered. This world isn't fair, there are rough spots, and the world is far from perfect. Beyond that God does send comforting feelings. I know Gar is in a better place. But that will never take away how much I miss the guy. That will never take away my yearning for one more conversation, one more "i love you," one more hug, or one more laugh. If there is one way I could sum up these past two months it would be that "time does heal even the deepest wounds." I know I will get through this, sure there were times when I wonder why I was given this trial and I wish I didn't have to go through these deep, painful feelings. I do know, though, that this will only make me a stronger person. Eventually I will be able to let go of these intense emotions that come with loosing someone so close to me and be able to live in the comfort of his spirit until I can see him and be with him again.

I love you Gar and you will forever live on in my heart.
xoxo

You Learn...

I found this poem while going through my Mimi's condo and it really did hit home for me.

After awhile you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean learning,

And company doesn't mean security.

And you being to learn that kisses aren't contracts,

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

becasue tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans.

And futures have a way of falling in mid-flight

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate

your own soul, instead of waiting fof someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth,

And you learn and learn....

With every goodbye....

You learn.

Garrison Brent Childs

October 28th 1985- July 2nd 2008

On July 2nd I lost one of my best friends. As many may already know Gar passed away peacefully at his home in Utah. He and I have been best friends for quite some time and we dated for just under two years. Gar had a wonderfully large heart and he truely taught me the meaning of unconditonal love.

He battled a long, hard fight with Bi-polar disorder and now he is free from all of the confines of that horrible mental illness. Even with all the ups and downs he faced he had a wonderful smile and laugh that could light up the room.

Gar was the type of person that wanted to help everyone. He always put others before his self and took time to show he cared. I will never forget the amazing times we had whether we were camping in New Hampshire or going to Troys (our favorite resturant) we always had a fun time. I will never forget these memories and I will forever be thankful for all he taught me.

In the time I knew him we became extremely close and no one will ever be able to fill the void he left but I luckily feel peace knowing he is in a much better place and is no longer suffering.

Because of the graciousness of his wonderful family my mom and I were able to fly out for the viewing and funeral. Both of which brought both closure and peace. A part of my heart is now in Heaven and I find peace in the fact that one day we will meet again.

I love you garrison!